When you are in love, it’s hard to see what’s wrong with your partner. Sometimes we are blinded to the fact that what’s happening to us isn’t good for us. Maybe we see them but we learn to tolerate them all in the name of love. “I don’t want to lose him.” These six words have made a lot of people suffer unnecessarily in a loving relationship.
We are scared to lose the one we love so we soldier on regardless of their shortcomings. Shortcomings that demean us and take away everything that puts a smile on our faces. We end up saying love hurts. Love shouldn’t hurt. Love is love and hurt is what it is. Somethings go wrong in love. That’s ok. We are humans. When the wrong things persist until it begins to steal your joy, start thinking of walking away.
Never accept any of these in your relationship;
#1. Verbal abuse
It’s verbal. You don’t see it. You only feel it. Their words make you feel small. What they promise and what they deliver is world apart. The way they treat you makes you feel you are not good enough. They succeed in planting self-doubt in your mind and makes you feel they are doing you a favour for sticking around with you. Nothing you do pleases them. It’s either their way or nothing at all. Living in a relationship of this sort does nothing to ensure your growth as an individual. The expression of self that should have come naturally is suppressed because you live in fear. When you find yourself in a relationship of this nature, you shouldn’t be love-blind. Don’t make excuses for the one who abuses you verbally. Put yourself first. Leave.
#2. Physical abuse
Words may not break you. A fist may. The day your partner hits you, that very day, start planning your exit. “But you see, it’s not easy as you say it.” a friend once told me. “He hits me because he loved me. Maybe he’s using the wrong channel to express his love. He’ll change as time goes on.” The next time I saw her, the relationship was over and she had a face to fix. Nothing should make a partner lay a hand on you. Animals fight because they lack words to negotiate with each other. Humans have words. Whatever the situation is, we can talk our way out of it. This my friend’s issue of physical abuse was a little bit dicey. She loved the man and she believed the man loved her more. He had a temper and didn’t know how to control it. He would hit her several times when he was angry. But when he later becomes sober, he would pour his heart out saying all the right words to apologize. That one act gave my friend hope for a change. So she stayed on till she realized rather too late that change wasn’t going to come.
#3. Keeping the relationship secret
Love itself is a blossom factor. Whatever blossoms can’t stay hidden. It starts small and becomes larger for all to see. A flower is an example. So what will make someone decide that we should keep a blossom affair secret? Something had to be wrong somewhere for someone to decide to keep a relationship secret. When your relationship fits perfectly into this scenario, consider addressing it or leaving the relationship. You partner should be proud of you and wants to introduce you to their friends. They should have the desire to take you to places. Take you to social gatherings. I mean the world should know they are the one you are holding it down with. YouKnowWhatI’mSaying? When they decide to keep you a secret, then it means you are either not the main thing or they are not sure of you yet or worse of all they are embarrassed to have you as a partner. This is not the kind of relationship you deserve. You deserve better than this relationship.
#4. A partner monitoring your movement
I had a planned meeting with one beautiful friend recently. The conversation got to where she had to explain why she left her boyfriend. She said, “If I were still with that guy, this meeting with you wouldn’t have been possible. He was virtually monitoring my steps all the way. Sometimes when I sleep, I had a reason to believe he was monitoring my breath to see if I’m breathing for someone else.” Hey, being in a relationship isn’t a death sentence where you are waiting for your turn to be killed. So I asked her, did you ever cheat on him or did anything to him that made him lose his trust for you? She said, “It started from day one. I thought he was just being caring. Then I thought he was being overprotective but it didn’t stop there. He just couldn’t take his eyes off me.” Partners with trust issues usually resort to this kind of tactics. But remember, you are not the reason for their mistrust. They either open up and discuss the issue and solve it or you walk away in pursuits of your own liberty. You want a lover. Not a babysitter.
#5. They keep you away from your friends
They succeed in driving away all your friends and yet complain when they have an empty church during the wedding. Forgetting friends make an occasion like a wedding beautiful. The thing is this. You had friends before he/she came along. Yes, he/she is a partner and deserve some priority but there are always spaces for friends to occupy. Being in a relationship shouldn’t be an opportunity to exercise ownership over your partner. It’s an opportunity to be who I am while allowing you to be who you are and at the same time finding space to celebrate oneness. No one should own someone so much that they can decide for a partner not to have friends or choose the kind of friends a partner can have. Remember, before he/she came into your life, it was friends who kept you in one piece. And the day they leave you broken, it’s the same friends who’ll keep you whole again and help you to heal.
#6. When they use your past against you
Everyone has their past. However ugly it may seem, it’s your past and you can’t erase it. You are either thankful for the happenings in your past or you move on. Whoever knows your past should understand that you’re no more who you were yesterday. You’ve moved on. Therefore, they have no right to judge you based on the histories of your past or even refer to your past to make a reference to the happenings of today. It’s not right. It’s not respectful. If your partner constantly reminds you of who you were or brings up issues of the past to justify current happenings, they are telling you that you are incapable of growth and that’s not fair. If anything at all, they should rather have some respect for your past. After all, if your ex didn’t leave you, you wouldn’t have ended up with them. Some things in your past played out the way they did, just so you’ll be with him/her. That should be respected and not demeaned.
#7. Sex whenever they want it
Sex shouldn’t be given just because someone wants it by all means. Sex should be mutual. It should be given out of free will and not because one owes it as a duty to satisfy one’s sexual needs. If you are in a relationship where your partner pushes you to have sex and actually takes it wherever and whenever they want it, that is abuse. It usually can lead to fear of the partner and even leaves an indelible mark on one’s psyche about sex. Sex has to be enjoyed. It can only be enjoyed when the two partners have consented not out of pressure but out of pleasure.